women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
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Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
rise and shine we got egg
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out