*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
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me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?