*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
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When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Was it something I said?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
This is Sparta
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.