*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
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My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
welp
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”