Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
i will not be silenced
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.