[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
You Might Also Like
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets