[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
yeah no that’s fair
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.