@InternetHippo: Using Craigslist can get you murdered, but that’s only one of its many advantages
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@XplodingUnicorn: [out to eat with in-laws] Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne Wife: Hey these are my parents Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
@ShortWhiteNUgly: An 8 yr old boy was screaming at the grocery store because his mom wouldn't buy him a Mars bar. So I bought one and ate it in front of him.