I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
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hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad