Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
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Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
same vibe as tangled headphones
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model