Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
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A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.