I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
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I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M