@heatherjs: Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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@GrantTanaka: "Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself? ME: *don't let her know you're a delicious chocolate cake* Moist
@DanMentos: “how was self-deprecating rap battle?” I don’t want to talk about it “come on what happened?” they saw my porsche "oh ouch"
@envydatropic: I don't care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you're going to need a dentist.