Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.