[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
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First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
You are not alone 💚
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!