[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
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[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.