[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
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My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.