[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
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Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.