[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
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Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
THE AUDACITY. 😤
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.