@DionneMcNutt: Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
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@markhoppus: I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your email..."
@TitansHomer: Operator: 911 Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do? O: Relax sir, is this her first born? Me: No, this is her husband.
@Karissajem: Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I'm some sort of amateur? *googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*
@katiefzack: People just said "go to the gym" they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I've been doing this so wrong.