Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
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Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?