Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
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I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
The dark side of Canada
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr