Using the domino's pizza tracker app seems like a great way to carjack someone you know isn't going to put up that much of a fight

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@shutupmikeginn: Using the domino's pizza tracker app seems like a great way to carjack someone you know isn't going to put up that much of a fight

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@buttgh0st: [following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

@philco816: Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

@Reverend_Scott: Goldfish 911: What's ur emergency? Goldfish: I forgot Goldfish 911: Forgot what? Goldfish: WHO IS THIS? Goldfish 911: I DON'T KNOW

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@KenJennings: I've been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I've already heard "Shake It Off" 137 times.

@Marlebean: That's disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don't wipe boogers on Mommy's pillow! Wipe it on Daddy's

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