it’s either covid or clever vampires
You Might Also Like
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.