Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
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My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..