Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word