Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
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I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
anyone else like Italian cereal
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.