Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
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After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.