Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up