Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
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Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Finally a use for spoilers…
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
😂😂😂