Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
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Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice