Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
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When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.