@tequilasaltlife: Vacuum the cat, its easier than vacuuming his hair from the whole house
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@LeBearGirdle: Neighbor: can you watch my dog? Me: like through your window? N: no, I meant like- Me: cause I don't do that now N: watc- Me: okay once
@thepunningman: Boss: Isn't your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move? Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I'm talking about
@novicefather: Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.