@tequilasaltlife: Vacuum the cat, its easier than vacuuming his hair from the whole house
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@awesomelocks: Woman: The bees are dying. random male: I don't know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I'M not killing bees.
@trojansauce: [as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle] ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE
@rad_milk: the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like "sure what the hell" and grabbed a couple pieces