If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”