Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”