[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
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You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Happy Febuary everyone!
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.