Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
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If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy