Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
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never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart