Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
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Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠