Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
You Might Also Like
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
When someone trying to leave me
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober