@CoreyKeyz: Valentine's Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I'm still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I'm not getting cheated on.
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@AdamBroud: Wife: Whatchya thinking about? Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
@YUCKYBOT: Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
@dafloydsta: I'm commonly known to my friends as "that nutty guy" Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can't talk.
@jackmackenroth: Lately I've been getting in touch with my inner self. I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.