@CoreyKeyz: Valentine's Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I'm still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I'm not getting cheated on.
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@elvisknievil: My plan to reduce shark attacks. Get them hooked on meth. Getting gummed by a toothless shark probably tickles.
@FatherWithTwins: I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
@mommy_cusses: Sorry, can't. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.