@CoreyKeyz: Valentine's Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I'm still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I'm not getting cheated on.
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@kelkulus: Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
@girlontapas: How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but... Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
@OBiiieeee: Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?...No you hang up first! Hello? 911?
@robdelaney: Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.