@CoreyKeyz: Valentine's Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I'm still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I'm not getting cheated on.
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@CurlsOnGirls: I love people who order coffee like they're giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
@thenatewolf: I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like "oh wow maybe marriage is cool" and then the lady said "STOP BREATHING ON ME"
@ItalianBratikus: My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don't have the heart to tell her he's just out chasing Pokemon.
@dietredbull: it's gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill