[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
You Might Also Like
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I unironically love this joke.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.