*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
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She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if youâve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I donât always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, itâs a Costco size box of blueberries
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think youâre qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?đ
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I saw Van Goghâs âStarry Nightâ hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldnât get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Please donât ask me to repeat myself I wasnât listening either
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. đ¤Łđ