VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
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I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food