VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.