Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
You sure about that?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good