20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
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[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it