@daemonic3: Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
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@DrRocktopoid: My high-school wrestling coach called me "the little raccoon" 'cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.
@MommaUnfiltered: There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven't seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you. Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair. (silence)
@Shock_Monster: HR: Does anyone know what FMLA stands for? Me: Fire My Lazy Ass? HR: ... Me: I was gonna guess Lesbian Ass but thought that's inappropriate.