Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.