vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
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What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat