My wife has the worst taste in men.
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AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers