Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
You Might Also Like
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Yup.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.